Abject Suffering

Abject Suffering Podcast

This is a podcast that's nominally about bad games. In reality, it's about the horror of daily life, GameFAQs Gold, strange combatants in the battle of Good vs. Evil, and a singular patriarch known only as Crick. Every Monday, Gary Butterfield and Kole Ross choose a game at random from the titles submitted by listeners, play it, and venture off on a freeform discussion that winds between the topic at hand, and the absurd.

Episode 356: Receiver
An indie game with a simple premise: highlight how much regular video games make using a gun look easier than it actually is....




Episode 347: The Coin Game
Get ready for us to be effusively positive about an extremely strange and nostalgic experience....



Episode 342: Road Trip Adventure
Before you head to the polls to vote for the next car president, remember my campaign slogan: Cars are cars all over the world. Similarly made, similarly sold....



Episode 336: Facade
In which we introduce the concept of "offboarding week" to Abject Suffering....


Episode 335: No Escape
This is based on a movie that doesn't exist, and you can't convince us otherwise....

Episode 333: Bullet Witch
We're aware of the coincidence that an episode about witches is numbered 3:33. It wasn't intentional, and that makes it spooky....





Episode 324: Goldeneye 007 (We Know It's Good)
Chris Khatami comes to us with an excuse to talk about Goldeneye 007. Don't tweet at us saying this shouldn't be on the show. Go to Chris' comedy festival in Portland! It's taking place the weekend after Thanksgiving. It's the Ha-Ha-Harvest Comedy Festival. (http://www.hahaharvestcomedyfest.com/about/)...

Episode 323: My Summer Car
As a citizen of the world, you must know all languages and help me figure out who pooped in my lawn....








Save the Date: Duckfest 2019
Get ready for a day of Duckfeed. On August 31, 2019, we will gather at the Clinton Street Theater in Portland Oregon for live performances of many Duckfeed shows, and a few local podcast friends. Listen to the announcement for more. More details are forthcoming, including ticket details....







Episode 285: My Horse Prince
There are few experiences as disappointing as figuring out that a game is supposed to be funny....


Exquisite Suffering Preview: Hugo
We want to tempt you further, so we're releasing another free episode of Exquisite Suffering! There are 60+ episode of Abject Suffering that you likely haven't heard, and all you need to do is go to our Patreon page (http://patreon.com/duckfeedtv) and back at $10 a month to get them all....


Episode 281: Stretch Panic
You remember this as a quirky tech demo. In reality, it's a game about pinching boobs....

Exquisite Suffering Preview: 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
Hi! Because of the Patreon changes we're making, we want to take this opportunity to serve up a taste of what the premium episodes of Abject Suffering are like. People really seem to enjoy this episode about 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, so we're making it free. When you back our Patreon at the $5 level, you get two extra episodes of Abject Suffering per month. If you back at the $10 level, you can listen to every episode that's been released (along with every Adaptation Decay, DuckTRAX... the list goes on). ...


Duckfeed Patreon 2019: Big New Things
Hello, listeners and patrons alike. We come to you with some exciting news: We are changing the Patreon around! (http://patreon.com/duckfeedtv) It feels like we just did this, but the last major change was back toward the beginning of 2017. We’re trying to constantly observe what’s happening with the network and learn what to do better. That means making changes like this from time to time. We’re also aiming to never shake things up in a way that is too disruptive to you, the listener. We want to give more ...


Episode 277: Willow
We throw Gary a bone and talk about Willow for a long time. I'm no happier than you are about this....

Episode 276: Gundam Wing: Endless Duel
It's a classic Abject Suffering showdown! Gary is extremely apathetic toward Gundams, while Kole is mildly apathetic but remembers liking them in the past. Catch the clash!...




Episode 267: Overblood
It's a very strange, little-known survival horror game. And Kole doesn't like it at all, which is strange....



Episode 262: Dune
An adventure/strategy hybrid game that's less painful than the Gom Jabbar!...


Episode 259: Rockin' Kats
The delightful comedian Carolyn Main joins us to talk about an NES grappling hook game....

Episode 257: Defender (PS2)
For a while in the 2000s we thought there was enough meat on classic arcade game bones to bear this kind of remake....


Episode 256: Under Development
Special thanks to Andrew for taking us back to the Dickieverse, where we learn how MDickie thinks video game development works....

Episode 254: FJORDS
A bizarre game that's actually kind of cool, which also uses a nifty technology. Yep, Fjords is where it's at!...




Episode 246: Kid Chameleon
From the Kid Kool collection, we learn about Kole's new son and also contemplate some unsettling interactions....

Episode 245: Castles
This is a good game, but it starts off Kole's Castle Quest, so that's neat....


Episode 244: Lost Kingdoms
Someone tried to back-door a WOFF episode, so listen to us talk a little bit about this forgotten game from FromSoft's awkward years....

Episode 242: Uniracers
Everyone forgets that time that Pixar tried to claim unicycles as their own intellectual property....


Episode 240: Tag Team Wrestling
We're taking a break on wrestling games for a while, so listen in to hear about Gary's Gabriel Knight vacation to New Orleans!...



Episode 234: Sword of Sodan
The most Psygnosis-looking non-Psygnosis game is virtually unplayable. Seriously, look up a video of this game....


Episode 232: Bloody Roar
Brayton Cameron returns to school us on Bloody Roar and usher in the new age of Chili Horse. Special Guest: Brayton Cameron....

Episode 231: The Senpai
This anti-game is gold, Jerry! Gold! Seriously, go play it right away. (http://pntgrm.com) We'll wait....

Episode 230: X-Men: Destiny
Syrg joins us to talk about the infamously bad Silicon Knights game "X-Men: Destiny". We are not taking offers for debates at this time....


Episode 229: Hook
Peter Pan's all grown up, and it's kind of depressing....

Episode 227: Irritating Stick
Irritating Stick is a game about not touching the sides. This episode of the show is mostly about coping with trashgut....


Episode 226: Shadow the Hedgehog
We hadn't done a mainline Sonic game for Abject Suffering before, so we're happy that our first one is a doozy....

Episode 224: Fox Hunt
We head back to the FMV DMV to pilot an idiot through the process of avoiding neck injections....


Episode 221: The Ripping Friends
John K's parade of grotesque buffoons that shout sincerely-held regressive beliefs, surprisingly, makes for a terrible game....


Episode 220: HORSE COP GAMES
With all apologies to Jenni Polodna, we venture into the teeming subculture of auto-generated Horse Cop games on the app store....



Episode 214: Vinnie's Tomb
It's an upsetting and nauseating trip to the past to try to assemble the pieces of the life of a man who died long ago....


Episode 211: Yo, Bro!
It's what you see when you grind up a bunch of POGs and snort them....

Episode 210: Altered Beast
If you say "Altered Beast" backward, the curse will activate. Your head will get bigger as your body gets smaller, until you roll down a hill and disappear....





Episode 199: Dirty Harry
Luck is an artificial construct that anthropomorphizes the chaotic forces that make the choices in your minuscule life not matter....



Episode 193: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
The League of Extraordinary Hams has united. Will Alan Rickman, Dennis Hopper, and Tim Curry make it across the country to see Robin Williams with their friendship intact?...

Episode 192: Ghostbusters II
Bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin' bustin'...


Episode 189: Make My Video
Brayton Cameron joins us for a Teenage Dirtbags crossover! Special Guest: Brayton Cameron....


Episode 187: Aussie Rules Footy
We already struggle to talk about sports. Listen in to find out what happens when we have no knowledge of the game or its cultural context!...

Episode 186: Family Dog
Since nobody knows what "Family Dog" is, we address the Shaq flat-earth controversy head on....


Episode 182: Sunday Funday
This game, also known as Menace Beach, teaches us that even Sunday School teachers can be sexy....



Episode 177: Joe & Mac
Cave men AND ninjas? This is conceptually crowded. Please note: the last half hour of this episode is all spoiler-chat for Westworld....

Episode 176: Castlevania 64
It's a black sheep, ugly duckling, awkward teen. It's Castlevania 64, and we use it to talk about weird sex....



Episode 171: Cyberia
My cyber friends, let us avoid the crunchpunks by plugging this filthy jack into the back of our elbows... Here we are: absorbed within the placentaverse of this vegan dopplersphere....


Episode 169: Space Ace
Our most foul game prototype yet springs from a game that falls in the bottom 5% of everything we've ever covered on this show....


Episode 165: NotGTAV
Slight discussion of a super British anti-game quickly gives way to an anxious therapy session about the 2016 US election. You've been forewarned!...


Episode 163: Gender Bender DNA Twister Extreme
Gotta say this will be a weird one, Syrg. It's a dicey thing to talk about, hopefully we treat the subject matter with a respect that is completely lacking in the original product....

Episode 162: Fun 'n' Games
Prepare for a game that's better than Mario Paint, if your metric for quality is "number of animal sounds available for music composition"....

Episode 161: Pesterminator: The Western Exterminator
From behind you, you hear a wheezing rasp. Before you can turn, you feel the rush of air. You know he's standing there, wagging both his finger and his hammer. As though to confirm the inevitable, you make the last movement you'll ever make. You wheel around. It's Kernel Kleanup. You've been deemed inpure. Oblivion awaits....


Episode 160: Aero the Acro-bat
It's an also-ran on the level of Sparkster and Bubsy, an attempt to cash in on the mascot craze with the ugliest hero imaginable. It's Aero, the Acrobatic Bat....

Episode 159: Animaniacs: Lights, Camera, Action!
This raffle-winner episode about a terrible, outdated isometric collectathon comes with a SEVERE content warning for the last third of the episode... specifically for people who get squeamish about eye stuff....

Episode 158: The Ooze
The ultimate lesson of this tech-demo stretched to full game is "be yourself." Also, if any viscous substance crosses our doorstep, we'll immediately start talking about ejaculate....


Episode 157: Catechumen
Nick Glauber joins us this week to talk about a misguided Christian FPS that's so bad, it makes us physically ill and destroys our computers. Special Guest: Nick Glauber....

Episode 155: South Park
It's a game that will make you physically ill, and ideologically queasy!...


Episode 153: Boogerman
Of all the games to break the top 10% of things we've covered for the show, how in the world is "Boogerman" one of them?...


Episode 149: Holy Diver
Evan Jones Thorne, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh what's becoming of me. Ride the tiger, you can see his stripes but you know he's clean... Oh don't you see what I mean. Gotta get away... Evan Jones Thorne. Special Guest: Evan Jones Thorne....


Episode 148: Kids on Site
The Forces of Evil are bolstered as Fruit Man joins their ranks, with his demonic possession meat puppet Dizzy and their plaything Nuts....


Episode 143: Iron Man and X-O Manowar in Heavy Metal
Did they think we wouldn't notice? They take this incomprehensible Z-tier superhero and group him in with everyone's favorite rascally tycoon... Despicable. The first half of this episode is business as usual. After the music, we talk about Captain America: Civil War at length. The dividing line for spoilers is clearly marked....


Episode 140: Skeleton Krew
More "K"s than a Mortal Kombat fan konvention. Also, another isometrik klusterfukk....


Episode 137: Day Dreamin' Davey
Will Hughes of the AV Club joins us to talk about Christian Slater, and we spend a little time going on an incredibly mundane flight of fancy with a kid who came unprepared to school. Special Guest: Will Hughes....


Episode 134: Aerobiz
Brayton Cameron joins us to talk about the fast-paced breakneck twitch action of Aerobiz, featuring a demo for Koei's new breakout strategy jam: Nobunga's Ambition. Special Guest: Brayton Cameron....


Episode 133: The Three Stooges
The Attic Stooge is like a hot tub or pool. Even if you don't use it yourself, you keep it around for the resale value....

Episode 132: Eternity's Child
It's the longest we've ever stayed on topic as we talk about a reviled recent indie release, and its questionable creator....

Episode 131: Don't Go Alone
This game is good. So good that we spend our time taking quizzes about teen substance abuse....


Episode 130: Spot Goes to Hollywood
It's another explosion at the Asset Factory as mascots go on parade to pick up the wreckage. Do we all look like Spot to Dracula?...


Episode 127: The Terminator
Jim Crawford helps us build a hellcube of flesh in which to play painball. Special Guest: Jim Crawford....

Episode 125: Rascal
The Rascal is a shit person of dark origins and darker designs. Don't let him corrupt your sweet baby boy....


Episode 124: SOS
Something terrible has happened, but we must soldier on as we did before. RIP Phillipe and Renaldo?...

Episode 123: The R-Zone Zone
After some unfortunate happenings with the network, we are forbidden from doing any more episodes of Abject Suffering. But, with some re-tooling, we're happy to reveal our newest property: The R-Zone Zone....


Episode 119: LSD Dream Emulator
This week's episode is a serious contemplation of the competing merits of random content and authored content. No goofs this week, no ma'am....


Episode 118: Dunjax
This week, we Dunjax the Dunjax until the Dunjax Dunjax....


Episode 115: Spelunker
This week, we call an audible and talk about Spelunker in one of our rare in-person episodes. Is the crown prince of kusoge as bad as everyone says?...

Episode 113: Mountain Bike Rally
Now we need to strike exercise games off of our list, although this did teach us about the futility of ever trying to control our actions....


Episode 112: Monster Party
What does Monster Party have in common with going to municipal water treatment plants and living in a spooky RV? NOTHING....

Episode 111: Mortal Kombat: Special Forces
Gate 1 darkness the world of demons Gate 2 my guards are watching you Gate 3 only evil lives here Gate 4 theres no way out Gate 5 feel the fire Gate 6 pick up your weapons and fight And dance with the devil...

Episode 110: Total Recall
Howdy, Quaid. If you're watching this, that means that Kuato is dead, and you led us to him. I knew that you wouldn't let me down. Sorry for all of the shit I've put you through, but hey, what are friends are for? All I want to do is wish you happiness and good living, old buddy, but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. You see, that's "my" body you have there, and I want it back. Sorry for being an Indian giver, but I was here first. So, adios, amigo!...


Episode 107: Quest 64
Journey with us to the heart of blandness. Watch for the polygons, they're extra sharp this time of year....


Episode 106: The Angel Quiz
Part 2 of the Zoo Dog Chronicles proceeds, with us taking the Angel Quiz. Will we ascend to heaven? Or will be burn in hell?...

Episode 105: The Zoo Race
Welcome to the series finale of Abject Suffering, because we'll never find anything better than this. Pack it up and turn out the lights, Cheers-style....


Episode 103: Zombie Nation
What's the most patriotic thing to do with your own dead body? The answer may surprise you....

Episode 102: Legend
Scientists toiled for years to create a game whose title is invisible to modern search engines. This is the fruit of their labor....

Episode 101: The Karate Kid
Listen in to hear two sad adults talk about how their adolescence was shaped by a fascination with violence....


Episode 100: Action 52
It's the 100th episode, so it only makes sense that we talk about Action 52. Numerlogically, of course. Let's consider the rippling chests of the Cheetahmen, while we record live in front of our most loyal Patreon backers....

Episode 99: Bert's Dinosaurs
Sam, we have to talk. You suggested an application. A paint application. Others should take note, we might not do this again. However, this paint program inspired us to talk about the depraved life of Mr. Ed as a depraved BDSM sub, and we add another to the ranks of Friends of Abject Suffering....

Episode 98: Illbleed
It's a redemption the likes of which can only be delivered on Abject Suffering, as we find goodness within a maligned classic and gather enemies along the way....


Episode 97: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Allison Baker joins us to talk about one of the most infamous NES games of all time. Also, we introduce a fun new character. Special Guest: Allison Baker....

Episode 96: King's Quest V
It's a classic Abject Suffering switcharoo as we talk a little bit about King's Quest V for the NES, and then pivot to talk about Buffo the Clown....


Episode 92: Drakkhen
The SNES is remembered fondly for its RPGs, but it took a while for them to become, you know... good. What does this have to do with Klowns? Listen and find out....


Episode 90: Courier Crisis
The second of our live-streamed episodes, Gary brings Courier Crisis to the table... a game that precedes Crazy Taxi by several years but fails miserably where that later game succeeded. Also, a contentious discussion about Offspring....

Episode 89: Puggsy
The Psygnosis Train continues in our first live-streamed episode of Abject Suffering. Kole brought Puggsy to the table, a staple of his childhood that -- it turns out -- isn't so much terrible as it is inscrutable. Also, we discuss lycanthropic buildings....


Episode 88: Ganja Farmer
Prepare to beat up two nerd with conflicted opinions about marijuana culture. Also, prepare for a Crick-esque surprise....

Episode 87: Casper
An earnest discussion on ghosts, jerkin' it right, and the nature of belief....

Episode 86: Bad Rats: The Rats' Revenge
The odds were stacked against us. However, a despicably racist and universally reviled game can still bring some delight. Bring it on, Bad Rats....


Episode 85: Bram Stoker's Dracula
It's another movie pitch that's sure to make us millions: Dracula Force 5. It's a crisis on infinite Transylvanias as every representation of Dracula in media throughout history converges to fulfill some dark purpose. Alternate Title: Dracula vs. Dracula vs. Dracula vs. Dracula vs. Dracula....

Episode 84: Tom & Jerry
We are on the verge of a dark future where the best of men know that their satisfaction can only be guaranteed if they take it into their own hands. But the powers that be are dead set on denying humanity their purpose. Across sweeping fields of sorghum, the grim world of Crick 2000 has become a reality. And we must escape....

Episode 83: The Crow: City of Angels
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new nadir. Though we often traffic in bizarre oddities and inscrutable ventures, The Crow: City of Angels is a failure on every level....


Episode 80: Mickey Mousecapade
Countdown to when Iron Man bursts through my apartment wall to issue a cease and desist. Then the Goof Troop will haul me off to the big mouse....


Episode 79: The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy
On this occasion, Abject Suffering finally comes into its own, transforming into what we always knew it would be: The Egg Cast. Thank you for ushering in this apotheosis, Dizzy....

Episode 78: Air Fortress
Discussion of Air Fortress, a serviceable yet boring shoot 'em up / jump 'em up, quickly turns to erotic fan fiction about the robot from Lost in Space, the curse of penis-shaped food, and powdered peanut butter....

Episode 77: Spy vs. Spy
It's time for a slightly more straight-laced Abject Suffering as we are joined by Bob Mackey (of the Retronauts) to discuss Spy vs. Spy, MAD Magazine, and the role of satire in society. Also: Fan Fiction Rap Battles. Special Guest: Bob Mackey....


Episode 76: Wrath of the Black Manta
In this week's edition of Oversharing, we dedicate a good half of a podcast to discussing the strangest meats we've ever eaten. Special Guest: Zack Johnson....

Episode 75: Stalin vs. Martians
Where do mimes come from? How do you undertake to make fun of a clown so that he really stays made fun of? Jenni from Video Games Taco (@lycrashampoo) joins us to find out. Stalin vs. Martians was only available for purchase for a few months in 2009. It was released with all the fanfare inherent in its ridiculous premise, and then pulled from the market when its terrible strategy gameplay was ridiculed. What's left is a bizarre art project that's almost impossible to make fun of. But here we are. Special G...

Episode 74: Xenophobe
It was the year 2170 and Detective Jack Cyber looked out his window at the fossil fuel burning cars on the street below. Teeming throngs of citizens on roller blades frequented the payphones below. Jack's pager buzzed insistently on his desk, right as a beautiful dame walked through his office's door, past the pneumatic tube document carrier. "There's a techno dragon on the loose, Jack, and you'll never guess what it shoots from its tail." "I'm going to need at least 5 more megabytes of RAM to handle this, ...



Episode 70: James Pond 2: Codename Robocod
Robopond hungers. Robopond tires of the tubes making a mockery of his efforts. Robopond will make waves. Robopond will devour all. Robopond is hate....

Episode 68: Platoon
Two universal rules: Every dad will talk about Platoon, and never make eye contact with Kremlo....


Episode 67: Bubsy 3D
Sometimes we get static over how little we talk about video games on this show. We fix that this week. We found a game so bad that it broke the show: Bubsy 3D....

Episode 65: Metal Morph
!sdrawkcab lla ti od ew tpecxE ... .M.E.R dna seidaL dekaneraB eht tuoba klat daetsni tub hproM lateM tuoba klat ot tuo tes ew ,gnireffuS tcejbA fo edosipe lanoitnevnocnon siht nI...


Episode 64: Kick Master
Something written for information should be to the point and not too cute. This is an episode of the Abject Suffering program about the NES game Kick Master....

Episode 62: Solar Jetman
So little in this life can be regained once it is lost. Hair that is cut off grows back. Sometimes Deborah will realize she's wrong and leave Reginald, returning to your waiting arms. If you cough up any baseball-sized shanks of sea shell throat meat, you must do your best to return it to its proper place. For Christ sake....


Episode 61: Athena / Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu
"Let's roll with it." "Throw it in." "Fuck it." These are words that cowards are afraid to say. We here at Abject Suffering are far from cowards. No, we don't just admit our mistakes, we lean INTO them....

Episode 60: SwordQuest: EarthWorld
For Sale: Single Chalice, gold. Wands, scepters, gems and scimitars optional, will talk. No negotiation, cash only. I'm on to your games. I've been down this road before. Bow before the zodiac puzzlemaster....

Episode 59: Fester's Quest
TV Land, 2:00 A.M. - The Addam's Family, "Not Without My Kitty." Uncle Fester has a breakthrough and attaches a functioning second dick to himself. Meanwhile, Gomez disrobes and devours Morticia's elbow skin....


Episode 57: Fish Dude
Listeners essentially listen to a podcast, and audio program released over the internet, about an ostensibly bad but actually good video game for the Gameboy called Fish Dude. Long story short, and stated as simply as possible, this is a wonderful compliment to video games the world round....

Episode 56: The Rocketeer
BREAKING NEWS: Babe Ruth sinks a fly ball right into the cerebral cortex of Joseph Goebbels in this alternate universe where balls are the new phallic symbol....


Episode 54: Hydlide
Cat*fish [kat-fish]: noun. 1. any of various fishes having a fancied resemblance to a cat. verb (used without object), verb (used with object) 2. Slang. to deceive, swindle, etc. by assuming a false identity or personality online: "He fell in love with her online before he realized he'd been catfished." 3. Slang. to advertise that your game has sweet wizards and skeletons and then have the game not deliver on that promise. "He fell in love with the box to Hydlide before he realized that the game inside was ...

Episode 53: Chex Quest
GENERAL MILLS MEMORANDUM: All Staff. For several fiscal reporting periods, we've all felt the systemic pressure on the Chex brand that arises due to the close relationship between the corn-square vertical and the dairy vertical. If you will open the nearest box of Chex, you will see the results of our new corporate initiative to demonize milk and the phlegm it causes. And you'll also get 50 free hours of America Online....


Episode 52: Bébé's Kids
Job Posting: NEEDED - Tone Lōc Lookalike (or: Lōcalike). Does not need to sound like Tone Lōc, I will cover the auditory portion of the ruse. Need to handle infestation of Bébé's kids at my theme park. Will pay in funnel cakes and ride vouchers. Call between 7am and 4pm, ask for "Rap Man"....

Episode 51: Psybadek
Text found on a flyer of a Bronx corner store: "HEY, YOU KIDS. DROP YOU'RE CYBADEKS AND STOP CONTRIBUTIN TO THE DEGRADATION'S OF SOCIETY. THE NEXT CYPADEK I SEE IS GOING RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE" and then the rest is torn off....

Episode 50: Bad Mojo
We're tired of it. Being pushed around, look down upon, treated like garbage. One day, soon, we're going to... oh god, we're bugs now. Fortune, and good mojo, have ordained that our 50th episode be about a good game that one of us actually played to completion!...


Episode 49: Darkwing Duck
Script Treatment: Duck Generations. EXT. -- DAY: Donald, Scrooge, Darkwing, and Jason Alexander waddle into a liquor store, shades perched precariously on their bill. Each squawks incomprehensibly, as if trying to out-fury each other. ECU on a nervous clerk's face as they flock toward the corn liquor. The streets would be rowdy....

Episode 48: Toys
Hey Robin Williams: You cool, dawg? Can't quite settle on a single voice there. We're on to your "spaghetti against the wall" garbage. Black preacher? So played, and kind of racist. Nobody actually remembers when you were any good at anything....

Episode 47: Dudes With Attitude
We were walking the perimeter of the Crick estate, shoring up the tree line and clearing brush. Michael kicked aside some beer cans, and chuckled quietly to himself. "What's so funny?" I asked, wiping my brow to keep the sweat bees at bay. "Teens. It's always the teens" he said, looking back to the compound. My time with Michael had been short, but I knew to let it go. He'd seen his fair share of dudes with attitude, and I could leave it at that....


Episode 46: Master Chu and Drunkard Hu
Mark another tally up on the "Canonical Worst Games" wall. Odds are good we're going to clear this pantheon out. One day a hard rain is gonna come, suffering style....


Episode 43: Godzilla
With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound he pulls the spitting high tension wires down. Helpless people ona subway train scream, bug-eyed as he looks in on them. He picks up a bus and he throws it back down as he wades through the buildings toward the center of town. Oh no, they say he's got to go. Go go Godzilla! Oh now, there goes Tokyo. Go go Godzilla! History shows again and again how nature points up the folly of men....

Episode 42: Shadowrun
Mediocrity is the most mortal sin of all. So we'll kindly excuse ourselves out the side door....

Episode 41: Cho Aniki
This might be the third rail, but I'll bend over and take it. Spray your disapproval all over me if you must, but I believe, to the very last drop of my being, that we need more positivity in this world. If it has to come in the form of Cho Aniki, in its celebration of the male form, then sign me up....


Episode 40: Strider
Like thieves in the night, we assassinate a game that is misguidedly referred to as a "classic" by some poor souls who don't know any better....

Episode 39: A Week of Garfield
Being on a weekly format, we've had to cut some corners. Syndication is tough, so in order to keep our quality consistent (if mediocre), we've farmed the creation of these shows out to a network of corporate subsidiaries. Stay tuned for the reveal of Gary and Kole alarm clocks and calendars. It's a living!...

Episode 38: Felix the Cat
Come with us to a time before sound, when dancing cats were no longer condemned as signs of witchcraft, even though they carried bags of tricks. To a time where Kole, unstuck in time, actually liked Felix the Cat at a young age. To a time when we play an amazing platformer on this show that is ostensibly about bad games....


Episode 37: Superman 64
Faster than a frightened cockroach. More powerful than my aversion to the sun. Able to disappoint your parents in a single loan. It's Superman 64!...

Episode 35: Samurai Ghost
It’s strange but true, but customs that we attribute to a given locale often have shared roots. For example, did you know that seppuku and pumpkin carving come from the same, misguided place? Listen to the end to find out! We are joined by Riff from Video Games Hot Dog. Follow him at @rifflesby (http://twitter.com/rifflesby). Special Guest: Riff Conner....


Episode 34: Harley's Humongous Adventure
There are many ways in which a man can be small. Let's take stature as a given. There's also pettiness, deceit, closed-mindedness... All of these diminish us. What else diminishes us? Shrink rays of our own design. We already live in an alien world, we just don't have the perspective to appreciate it. Additionally: These cans with articulated lids don't speak with H. Jon Benjamin's voice, and jetpacks are compromised grappling hooks....

Episode 33: Body Harvest
In the long view, the Ninentdo 64 might be Abject Suffering, the system. In our initial estimate, the NES seemed like the most fertile and hateful ground... but the N64 is a remarkable moment in history where everyone's reach exceeded their grasp. Example: Body Harvest, an open world game that came out almost a decade before open world games were good. But someone had to be first, right?...

Episode 32: King of Dragons
We're not fond of turning nouns into verbs, but "thrifting" is to be considered a valid terminology for the purposes of this podcast. We're not proud, and we never said we weren't hypocrites. We also never promised to do things like "actually talk about the game we're supposed to talk about". That's your bad. You assumed that....


Episode 31: Episode 31: Ballz 3D
Squares. Circles. Tetrahedrons. The stately geodesic dome. Icosahedrons. Cubes. Hypercubes. Sentient cubes. BALLZ....

Episode 30: Cool World
How does a person feel when they stare into the smoldering, waiting eyes of their creation? When it clambers for your attention... wanting love, wanting validation... wanthing to feel something, ANYTHING. That's how God feels about you ever day. God loves you. To death. Special Guest: Brayton Cameron....

Episode 29: Yu-Gi-Oh!: Worldwide Edition: Stairway to the Destined Duel
Not everyone knows the creation myth for anime. One day in a peaceful village in Japan, a truck carrying a surplus of decimal places from the war overturned, spilling extra zeroes and permanently altering the population. What was once 20 was soon 20,000. And so on, and so on, in kind. That's why everything in anime is predicated on shouting ridiculously high numbers... because the creators had no other choice....


Episode 28: Stone Protectors
Stones are pretty neat. They have things to say about the world around us. Like Andy Dufresne once said, "All it takes is pressure and time." Natural forces shape the elements of our world into beautiful crystalline forms that dazzle and delight. What stones can't do is support an entire multimedia blitz with bad puns related to (ugh) rock and roll....

Episode 27: Scrapyard Dog
Your average hot tub is kept at around 100 degrees farenheit. While many find this temperature to be pleasing on their muscles and soothing on their joints, what they don't realize is that this is also approximately the temperature of the inside of their buttholes. And, in fact, the act of sharing a hot tub with a group of strangers is a form of communal Butthole Soup Making. So, think about that next time you're in a jacuzzi....

Episode 26: Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City
We might secretly like sports. Or, at least, Gary might. One imagines him as a closeted basketball hound, feverishly building brickets for his Springtime Fever league, going in on office pools to see which squadrons will tame the orange bounce....


Episode 25: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Captain Planet got a raw deal. Nobody knows why he woke up the way that he did, with a head shaped like a globe. You can't blame him for being bitter... a guy with a globe for a head walks into a bank, he ain't gonna get a small business loan. So he leans into it, hanging out with some teens by the Stop-n-Grab. They scour the gutters for bottles to deposit. Captain Planet takes a cut of the proceeds, and buys them all 40's of Old English to share. He sleeps in an unadorned firetrap apartment and no longer f...

Episode 24: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
We're surrounded every day by things that will outlive us. This glass, if it doesn't shatter, will probably be in a Goodwill long after I'm dead... helping some other soul drink water without getting their shirt wet. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are just like this glass. Once, they didn't exist. Then they started existing. And then they didn't stop existing. The NES game is an artifact of that violent cultural birth. Also, it doesn't really belong here, except it's kind of flickery and a little too hard...

Episode 23: Mission: Impossible
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take this container of Vaseline, and smear it all over these Doritos. Just really get it in there. That's right. Rub it real good. Now stack them up and press your face into it. You deserve this, don't you? Welcome to the N64 club. Welcome to the new death....


Episode 22: Friday the 13th
If people don't stop having sex, then the human race is done for. The church has done all it can, but it's not enough. We must instead turn to our masked vigilante saviors to stop this sexy, sexy scourge once and for all. Jason Voorhees gets a pretty good start at Camp Crystal Lake, but I think I speak for everyone when I say "He hasn't gone far enough."...

Episode 21: Home Alone
Home Alone was written by John Hughes. So were a bunch of other movies. He was a fixture, and then he just went away. Was he aware of this game? Did he conceive of the stereotyped mobsters that are in it? Were the giant spiders under the house the whole time... waiting? Who knows. Digital Daniel Stern will outlive us all....

Episode 20: Ren and Stimpy Space Cadet Adventures
You've gotta love a good moral panic. Of all the things that were supposed to ruin me as a child, very few of them did. Instead they twisted me and shaped me into the man I am today... Simpsons fixations and all. What I should have been wary of was crass commercialism... an avalanche of shitty licensed GameBoy platformers that had little to no relation to their source material (or little to no relation to action games). How can you capture something as fucking nutso as Ren and Stimpy in a game? We spend abo...


Episode 19: Mohawk and Headphone Jack
Let me tell you a few things about Michael Henderson. He's a Duckfeed.tv superfan who regularly contributes to our shows. He graciously backed the Watch Out for Fireballs! Kickstarter campaign. He's also a merciless, calculating miscreant who means only to do Gary and Kole harm. We're somewhat convinced that Michael designed Mohawk and Headphone Jack specifically to be as unappealing as possible. Good job, Michael. You broke us....

Episode 18: Captain Skyhawk
We don't contend with mediocrity that often. So far, the closest we got was Pac Man 2, and that doesn't really count since it's so weird. Captain Skyhawk doesn't really belong here. You fly around and shoot some aliens and stuff, you do a bunch of different kinds of missions, and the graphics aren't terrible. Instead of complaining, just have stories about Kole's childhood and Gary's balloon fetish....

Episode 17: Bubsy II
This is the singularity that happens when 1000 bad ideas try and cram their way into a premise that isn't promising. This is our first mascot platformer... any why not live life to the hilt?...


Episode 16: Road Runner's Death Valley Rally
Kole has become unstuck in time. This is the epicenter of his primary dissonance: how can he be a 26 year old man, but appreciate Road Runner cartoons and Nick at Nite? The only explanation involves temporal fuckery, and a holistic approach to why he is entirely out of touch with this modern American world. Dream on, and play a bad platformer, you pilgrim of the (pre)modern age....

Episode 15: Where's Waldo?
Saving Private Ryan started out as a Where's Waldo film adaptation. True fact. But Spielberg descended into the heart of darkness, gradually turning Martin Handford's whimsical vision into a twisted hellscape of severed limbs and broken hearts. This NES game is a re-telling of that re-telling....

Episode 14: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker
Michael Jackson put out a game where the objective is to collect as many children as possible. Don't worry, we make the obvious jokes as soon as possible. We continue the streak of Abject Suffering games about known sex offenders. Got any suggestions for others?...


Episode 13: The Uncanny X-Men
It's an allegory for all of mankind's struggle for equality. What if you were born different? What if everyone was afraid of you? What if you were the worst NES game Abject Suffering has played yet?...

Episode 12: Spellcraft
There aught to be a Chick Tract about Spellcraft. It tells you the reagents and processes necessary to do such awful things as Much to Stone and Return Home. What's this you say? You joust demons? I'll not hear of it. Wait... there's heartbreaking, regret-wracked love letters hidden in the code? Well... huh....

Episode 11: Pac Man 2
Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?...


Episode 10: Wayne's World
So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. I managed to take out...

Episode 9: Deadly Towers
Dick Dagger: It's more than just an incredibly predictable porn star name. It's what you kill things with in this awful game. Join us as we try and talk about anything and everything but this atrocity....

Episode 8: Jurassic Park
Hey there, Clever Girls... are you ready to have a prepubescent crush on Laura Dern? We thought so. There really isn't a great Jurassic Park game, but the Genesis one is made of human butt. And we don't care that you get to be a raptor, because that's the dream we live every night... as were-raptors....


Episode 7: Home Improvement
Auuegh!? What we need now is more power. Wilson is across the fence, and we should mow him down with our Binford=Taylor Hedge Trimmers, because that's the only way to the truth about what happened in my tragic head injury. Also, something about men and women being different, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas being the wellspring from which all fetish flows....

Episode 6: Shaq-Fu
Shaq is baq, and he's on the attaq! Sucked into the Second World and tasked with saving a little Japanese boy, it's sure to be a shoq to his system. However, us qanny gamers will know how to guide him to victory against voodoo priestesses and, Carnage? I guess....

Episode 5: J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings Volume 1
I don't remember the part of Lord of the Rings where Frodo got a sword that would turn things into skeletons... let alone, I don't think he had it in Hobbitton. But that's the least of our worries, as we try and ignore the bitchin' tunes and talk about how weird this action RPG is....


Episode 4: Mike Tyson's Intergalactic Power Punch
While just blog-checkin' on Tyson, we found this amazingly awful and weird game. Things take a turn for the serious as we talk about the ethics of professional sports, and how they relate to Space Jam. Is Noted Rapist Mike Tyson able to punch out the alien threat? We should find out. This podcast is dedicated to our collective dead Aunts. God bless, Jesus is Lord. Abject Suffering...

Episode 3: Captain Novolin
It's a dark night for the world... Mandatory Municipal Pepsi has rendered the entire population diabetic, and only one man, Captain Novolin can save us. Eat the good aliens, and avoid the bad, and hope to Christ that you have enough blood....

Episode 2: Kid Kool
Kid Kool is here to teach you the ways of love, as he begins our long and fruitful affair with bad NES platformers. Have you been good? If you died today, would you go to Jump Heaven or Speed Hell? We will all be judged, abjectly....


Episode 1: Revolution X
Living it up while you're going down? Picture Steven Tyler making a series of tuna fish sandwiches, while you're suffering through a pretty crappy light gun game. That's Revolution X. Gary and Kole aren't pleased, but we quickly get off the topic of this game, glowing green skulls and all....