How To Do Everything

How To Do Everything Podcast

We're half advice show, half survival guide. We answer all your questions, from how to find a date, to how to find water in the desert.

Beefily Ever After
In our last episode, we learn how to drink tea, build human towers, watch the sunset forever and find the Ian inside all of us....

StoryCorn
Devil In The White City author Erik Larson helps us write gooder, and we tell you how to snack silently at the movies....



The Sound of Silence
A listener needs help opening his Velcro bag quietly, so we call in the military....

Fiddlin', Gruntin', Snorin' and Carlin'
How to get people to remember your name and find thousands of worms. Note: this episode talks about curse words but bleeps them out. It's educational, but there's a lot of cursing....


The Champ
We tell you how to keep your fries crispy and make your friends cry....

Usain/Boat
How to lose to Usain Bolt by a slightly smaller margin, and another use for your bowling shoes....

Bonny's Dream
How to endure hearing someone describe their dream....


Best Man O' War
How to train your pet jellyfish and plan a wedding no one will forget....


Lyin' Eyes
How to protect your cow and pull a loose tooth....

Merry Chrismas!
How to celebrate your new favorite holiday and enjoy the Summer Olympics....

Pee-Rex
How to talk to a dinosaur and survive a public bathroom....



The Pee Dance
Why you do what you do when you've really gotta go....

The Stink Tree
This week we save a marriage and improve the most awkward minute of your day....



The Interminator
How to shake hands like a politician, free up space on your iPhone, and talk about golf....

The Office Spitter
The fun way to monitor air pollution and deal with an annoying co-worker....

Sabotage!
How to defeat the Nazis and wind the Great Clock....


Long Distance
We talk to astronauts on the International Space Station, and help name a burrito restaurant here on earth....


Bum Bum Bum Bummmmmm
How to actually enjoy yourself at the symphony, and sneak your name into your favorite TV show....

Love & Basketball
This episode has nothing to do with the movie "Love & Basketball."...

Science Hotline Bling
Special guest Nick Offerman solves your biggest problem, and who to call when a killer asteroid is on its way....


The Axe Effect
How to make your food taste sweeter, and valentines that say Be Someone Else's....

NASCAR & Donald Trump
Boy, that title makes it seem like a different show this week. Note: this podcast contains no actual Donald Trump....


Henry & Robbie
How to make s'mores in the most dangerous way possible, and how to make s'peace with your rooster....

Escape!
How to sleep with the fishes and live like El Chapo....


Goodnight Goose
How to deter thieves, tell a bedtime story, hum a song, and find sunken treasure....


Thanksgiving Dinner
How to always win the wishbone pull, dodge awkward dinner conversations, and eat as much as possible....

Trash Talk & Art
How to distract someone you love, and a surprising discovery in Queen Elizabeth's art collection....

Thumbs Up!
How to smuggle a live chicken, frighten your dentist, and hitchhike offensively....


Buried Alive!
How to escape when you've been buried alive, and more. If you've been buried alive, though, just call 911 and listen to the episode later....

The Tooth Mouse
How to throw a really unsettling punch, scare someone, and delight children around the world....


Death From Above
How to defend yourself against monsters, lend money properly, and play a game of Crud. Also: a correction....


Planet, Money
How much money is there on the planet? We investigate....


All About Spike
Ian visits a corpse flower, a stinky jungle plant which has been waiting 12 years to bloom....

Spearfish
We talk about the weather, but not in a boring way. We hope....


Stay Cool
How to stay cool in the summertime, and salt your food without salt....

Baby Names and Outhouses
This week we tell you how to choose the best name ever for your baby and investigate an old outhouse mystery....


Hat Tricks and Sirens
This week we tell you how to get a fancy free hat and freak out your entire town....

Out of the Office
Ian and Mike are out of the office. They talk about it, then they change the world, then they play some old segments....


The Ericpalooza
How to take beautiful photographs of your cat, and how to digest your food. Plus, we say goodbye to a beloved colleague. Not Gillian. We already said goodbye to Gillian....


Micropigs and Fossils
We help you relax, and help you become a fossil. Plus, some words of encouragement as you enter the final days of the exclamation point fast....

Braying Donkeys and Braying Modems
How to make sense of what your computer is saying, make an uneasy pengiun comfortable, and use up old newspapers. Plus we have a tip to get you through the last week of our Exclamation Point Fast....

Small Talk and Penguins
We help endangered penguins carry on their species, and we help you make small talk with kids. Plus: our Exclamation Point Fast continues, with catastrophic results....


Mountaintops and Nosebleeds
How to make a mountain shorter and a new use for bacon. Plus, we check in on our exclamation point fast....

F-Bombs, Chicken, and Exclamation Points
How to find alternatives for the f-word, cook your chicken in the most spectacular way possible, and stop using exclamation points! That was our last one....

High Five!
How to celebrate without getting everyone else sick and the fastest way to get published in the New York Times....


Wake Up and Eat Birthday Cake
How to wake up, celebrate your birthday properly, and shoot a free throw. This is not an April Fool's Day episode. Were we supposed to do an April Fool's Day episode?...


Milk & Asparagus
How to get the milk you want and deserve, and the truth about asparagus....


Theater Butts
This week we help you find your seat without bothering the people around you....

Rally & Bluff
How to drive a rally car, bluff convincingly, and look pretty when you get your picture taken....


Biweekly Shark Butts
This week, how to never miss a meeting, decide if your shark needs pants, and more....

Cereal and The Super Big Sports Game
How to keep your cereal from getting soggy, and we make a very interesting dip for the big sporting event with the misshapen ball that will be played on Sunday and shall not be named....

Laps & Laptops
How to stop that email you shouldn't have sent, and how to swim a lap. Plus: a friend in need is a friend indeed....


Linsanity!
This week we solve an age-old spinach mystery and help out the FBI. Plus football predictions from Gillian!...

Clues and Legos
How to crack a case, and how to build a really, really, really big Lego model....

This Episode Is Only For Cows
This episode is only for cows. Humans are advised to skip this and listen to one of our many human-focused episodes instead....


Less Cowbell
Cows, it turns out, hate the sound of cowbells. We try and help out our bovine friends....

Hair and Apostrophes
A listener is getting laser hair removal, and it hurts. A lot. Mike and Ian help her deal with the pain, with some help from the toughest people they could find....


The Punch
This week we tell you how to punch someone in the face without hurting anyone and get solar power the Jackie Chan way....

Thanksgiving Leftovers
We're out of the office this week, but we've put together a few Thanksgiving-ish howtos from past shows....


Sweat & Comic Sans
How to find all those typoos you made, and how they test out those wicking t-shirts....

Physical Chess
We do our best to help out Josiah, who needs to beat a much stronger guy in arm wrestling. Also: nocturnal sneezing....


A Man and His Bike
How to get service at a restaurant and a man learns to ride a bike without training wheels....

Sialoquents and Pricklouses
How to get the most out of your root beer, insult people from ancient times and make peace with that sneezy guy on the train....


Doodles, Names, and Best Boys
How to make sense of the credits at the end of a movie, doodle old school, and how companies choose the names for people in their ads....

Gin and Garbage
How to freshen up with gin and we solve a stinky mystery....


The Very Large Cat
Mike and Ian help you with a common pet problem. Also, they've missed you, by the way....

Summer Vacation Postcard #2
Ian takes a visit to the National Ice Core Lab in Colorado, where they store all those thousand-year-old ice cores they pull out of Antarctica....


The Noid
We're on the road this week, so just a short show for you. But we will tell you the strange, tragic story of The Noid, the old Domino's Pizza mascot from the 80s....


Babies and Emergencies
How to travel with your baby, and what to do when you've really, really got to go....

Water, Hawks, and 24
How to get your very own bottled water past a TSA checkpoint, defend your international tennis tournament from varmints, and protect the President....


Moments, Ounces and Atoms
We tell you the worst way to clean your chimney, how to take moment and the one thing you should be scared of this week....

Reclaiming Poindexter
How to prepare for the World Cup, and how to tell your parents you're getting married. Plus: the moon, the tides, and a man who wasn't entirely happy with a recent episode of "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me."...


The Meat Pi?ata
The inside story on the greatest burp ever burped, how wild animals celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and more....


The Gilligan Rule
Breaking Bad's Vince Gilligan determines exactly how long people need to wait before talking about spoilers, Mary Roach helps a listener with a fart-related question, and more....


Yes, No, and Present
How to avoid a bad bee sting, get back at bad Facebook posters, and look cool when you're carrying a Trapper Keeper....

Frozen, Floods and Chips
How to open a bag of chips, save all the animals and go up to bat. Plus, Jeff Garlin tells us how to pick the perfect Christmas tree....


Clothes, Dice, and Food
How to save money on clothes without giving up anything but your dignity, minimize the number of fights during Monopoly, and get the excellent restaurant service you don't deserve....


Weather, Cats, and Hockey
How to properly make use of your cat, and how to make it in the NHL. Plus special guest meteorologist Paula Poundstone gives us our first ever weather report....

Groundhog Day, Oscars, and Squat Thrusts
We remember Harold Ramis by learning how the movie Groundhog Day was almost very different, John Lithgow tells us how to play it cool at the Oscars, and we help a listener find love at the gym...

Bees, Bees and Cans
This week we learn how to beat a spelling bee, how to talk to bees and a new use for cement....


Verkhoyansk, Hijacking, and Puffy Coats
How to feel better about this freezing winter, and how to prevent a hijacking. Plus, something to think about when you're smashed between two people in puffy coats on the subway.  And if you're playing along at home: it's spelled Verkhoyansk....

Arm Pits, Bunny Boots and Beer Slushies
This week we tell you how to keep your beer from freezing, keep your hands warm at the South Pole and how to talk about the Super Bowl without saying Super Bowl....


Rice Krispies, Names, and Spies
How to deal with an embarrassing name, and how to spy like a lady. Plus, a revelation that may change breakfast forever....

Demons, Tongues and A-Rod
This week we tell you how to pour pulled cod like a pad kid, put out a fire like a frat boy and we help A-Rod figure out what to do this summer....


Cow To Moo Everything
The great Sir Patrick Stewart, in perhaps the role of his life, helps a listener answer a question about cows....

Tips, Hugs, and Egg Nog
How to get the best possible tip when you're waiting tables, how to hug properly, and Peter Sagal joins us for an Egg Nog taste test....

Autographs, Wrestling, and Babies
How to get an autograph, how to have a baby (but not how to make a baby), and a visit from pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin. Plus: we talk to a couple winners of our Thanksgiving Travel Photo Contest!...


Your Thanksgiving Survival Kit
A game to make horrible holiday travel slightly less horrible, political strategist David Axelrod helps you dodge those awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversations, and more....


Shipping, Basketball, and Wind
How to ship a package in a way that will lessen the likelihood it gets destroyed, score an eight pointer when you’re playing basketball, and measure the wind. Plus: wordsearch winners!...

Batholiths, Milk and The Full Riker
How to tell your rock formations apart, introduce yourself to the wonderful world of Star Trek, and do a body good. Plus: a portable Toilet of the Week!...


Hal Needham, 1931-2013
Hal Needham, our favorite stuntman, died Friday at 82. He did stunts in more than 300 films, directed "Smokey and the Bandit" and "The Cannonball Run," won an Honorary Oscar last year, got a lot of speeding tickets, and broke a lot of bones. He was a regular guest on our show, and here we listen back to a few of our favorite moments with him....

Car Stereos, Ticks, and Water
How to protect your valuables, discover a new species, and order water at a restaurant without looking like an idiot. Plus: an international Toilet of the Week!...


Reporting A Tough Story
Washington Post reporter Ian Shapira talks about covering the Navy Yard shooting. And: now that the new iPhone has a fingerprint scanner, you don't have to enter in your password anymore, which saves you almost half a second. We'll tell you a few ways to spend that extra time....


The Christmas Singularity
How to get ready for a tennis match, plan a flea circus, and take a compliment. You look nice today, by the way....



Smuggling, Ponies and Ice Cream
How to sound intelligent at the race track and smuggle money across the border. Plus, Peter Sagal tries your ice cream....

Poodles and Noodles
How to survive on a desert island, name your baby, and pass the time while you're waiting for your baby. Also, we like poodles and noodles....


Magnets, Airports, and Bees
How to move your really, really, really big magnet, survive when your flight get cancelled, and weigh your pet bee. Plus: your Toilet of the Week!...


Butter, Demons, and Cheese
How to improve your butter experience 1000%, perform an exorcism, and obtain cheese in the most dangerous way possible. Plus: your Toilet of the Week!...



Movies, Bugs, and Hands
How to keep that guy behind you from talking all the way through the movie, spy on your enemies, and get a job in modeling even if you’ve got a weird face. Plus: our March Madness winner, and a very remote Toilet of the Week!...


B2s, Basketball and Romance
How to fly a space age war plane, how to explain love to your dog and a very special toilet of the week. Plus, a March Madness update with Dick Vitale....


McNuggets, Donkey Kong, and Drawing
How to make the perfect Chicken McNugget, celebrate the lifting of the NYC Soda Ban, and impress your three-year-old daughter. Plus the great comic book artist Chris Ware helps you learn to draw, and a very contemplative Toilet Of The Week!...

Deer, Cars, and Dogs
How to rescue a deer friend or human friend stuck out on the ice, and name your new car. Plus we listen back to an Iditarod dispatch as the great sled dog race goes on in Alaska. Plus: your Toilet of the Week, and we give you nicknames....

Keyboards, Jingles, and Oscars
How to clean your disgusting computer keyboard at work, sit comfortably at an awards show, and Barry Manilow helps a listener write a catchy jingle. Plus: our first ever Human Toilet of the Week!...


Chips, Penguins, and Spy Planes
How to open your bag of chips easily, every time, how to keep from falling on the ice, and how to test out your new spy plane. And of course, your Toilet of the Week....

Seals and Responses
This week we learn how to create a presidential seal and how to give the official response to the State of the Union Address. Plus, a Toilet of the Week just in time for Mardi Gras....


Heads or Tails
How to cash in at the Super Bowl, camouflage your car, and a very, very special guest helps a listener learn to love baseball. Plus: your toilet of the week!...

Photos, Football, and Shrek
How to take a portrait of President Obama, how to play wide receiver in the NFL, and how to take on the role of Shrek in your high school musical. Plus: Producer Blythe goes out into the world to find our Toilet of the Week....

Ponytails, Armstrong, and Frogs
How to make the best ponytail possible, keep your milk from going bad, and use those old Livestrong bracelets you're not wearing anymore. Plus, Saturday Night Live & Portlandia's Fred Armisen comes back to help you with another problem....


Gum & Onions
How to keep from crying when you chop onions, how to finish that joke from Dumb & Dumber, and a childhood fear gets investigated....

Planes, Boats, and Looking Cool
How to test out an airplane, look cool, and set up a classic joke. Plus: our toilet of the week, and the beginning and end of our new segment, "Nautical Notes."...


Crash Blossoms, Smuggling, and Standup
How to smuggle drugs across the border (or stop a drug smuggler, if that's more your thing), become a standup comedian, and root for your favorite team. Plus: our toilet of the week!...

Power & Hotels
Just a quick show this week as we're on the road, but we will tell you how to charge your phone when you forget your power adapter, and we talk to author Lee Child. He writes the Jack Reacher books, about a guy who pretty much knows how to do everything. Plus: your toilet of the week!...

Hecklers, Cheetahs, and Goodbyes
How to face down a heckler, make a movie with a cheetah, and get off the phone. Plus: our first international Toilet of the Week!...


The Thanksgiving Episode
How to always win the wishbone pull, and navigate Thanksgiving family drama. Plus: Paula Deen on turkey, and we talk pumpkin pie with James Iha of the Smashing Pumpkins. Seriously....

Bumper Stickers, Scandals, and Bugs
How to get a bumper sticker off your car, find a suitable substitute during a cockroach shortage (this is something that happens, apparently), and read a woman’s t-shirt without looking like a creep. Plus, Carl Bernstein, of Woodward and Bernstein, helps us put a name on the Petraeus Scandal....

Skeuomorphs, Hurricanes, and Showtunes
How to stop a hurricane and win every single swing state. Plus the lovely Kristin Chenoweth helps you sing a showtune, with assistance from another very special guest....


Apple, Baseball, and Halloween
A look inside the Apple Store Employee Manual, how to enjoy the World Series if you’re like Ian and you don’t know a thing about baseball, and how to make a good Halloween costume....

Lunch, Art, Cows, and Miracles
How to always remember your lunch, steal a million dollar painting, hang out with a farmer, and more. Plus: our Toilet of the Week....


Rompers, Sloshing, and Announcing
How to dress for the office, keep coffee off your pants, and take over the mic at a volleyball game. Plus: why you always lose at crane games....


Strikes and Alibis
How to lie about your secret mission and talk about strikes. Plus info about the How To meetup in Atlanta....

Corn, Refs, and Ikea
How to get your corn off the cob, ref an NFL game, name your modern Swedish furniture, and more!...

The Only Olympics Guide You'll Ever Need
With how to advice from: Sir Patrick Stewart, US Olympian Matt Tegenkamp, New Zealand Olympian Quentin Rew, Nigerian Olympian Koko Archibong, Australian Olympian Russel Mark, Senator and Olympic Gold Medalist Bill Bradley, Canadian Curler Kristie Moore, and more....


Treasure, Vetting, and Zombies
How to save money at an outdoor music festival, zombie-proof your car, and become a Blue Man. Plus, Governor Evan Bayh tells us how to survive the VP vetting process....

Some Old Segments You Might Like
Mike and Ian are out of the office this week. But we went way back to the early episodes to find the old segments we’re actually not embarrassed of! If you’ve heard every episode, maybe skip this. But if you’re a new listener, we’ll tell you how to act around celebrities, how to run for office, how to bring a stale bagel back to life, and more. See you next week with the regular new stuff....